Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Day Three: Too many choices

Today I’m not going to talk about the name of the castle first. It’s still Castle Bitchfist so why bot

Shit. Sorry, diary, that’s a bad habit I’ll have to break. This writing stuff is hard. I really wish I had that button I talked about yesterday.

At least I have something big for today: your hiding spot. I need to find one. I dropped you a few times last night when I nodded off while guarding the mess hall. Everybody else was asleep so I didn’t get caught, but I don’t want to take chances. If somebody found you, my wife would feed you to an ocelot or something. And I bet the ocelots would love the taste of your fine rat skin cover.

I tasted it myself, in case you didn't notice. Licked you. Just to test. You don't seem that good to ME, but I don't trust ocelots. They're unpredictable.

I’ve thought about a bunch places I could put you. They are:

- The library
- The mess hall
- The barracks
- The toilets
- The rat farms
- Behind my back
- On my wife’s head
- By the queen’s tree, but she has to promise not to read you
- My stomach, as in eating you
- The floor

I don’t know which is best. I don’t want anybody finding you, diary, because I’m a secret writer. Everyone will laugh at me if they find out I’ve been writing in you, and the captain will get mad. He’s already always mad at me because I don’t do my job. I know he’s just testy because he’s a eunuch, but still. Blame the kangaroo, not Dragomir!

I’d better stop writing in you for now, diary. My wife just walked by, and she’s getting a look in her eye. I think she knows I’m hiding something from her. You don’t want to get on Libby’s bad side, trust me - the last time I did she built a cage, forced me inside and left me in the west bailey. People kept poking rotten fruit through the bars, like I was some kinda monkey. It was awful.

Was well fed that day, tho.


Dragomir the Guard


  1. Poor guy, he is the medieval version of Bad Luck Brian

  2. Found this on a random add somewhere. It seems brilliant.

    The ad was awful though, it didn't make much sense.

    1. Thanks! And, yes, the ads are meh. I've always struggled with good ads. No one's ever bothered to give me input, though, so this helps.