Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Day Fifty-Three: You can't escape love

Crap. Crap crap crap. I'm in trouble, diary. Can't I ever stay OUT of trouble for once? Can't I have a completely normal day? Why must screwed up nonsense ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?

So I was walking. Everything was fairly normal. I was okay. Happy, even, that I was back on track to finding this Goblinoster witch. I really wanna get home. All was well, even if water was getting a little scarce. I'd seen a small lake in the distance, so I knew that wasn't going to be an issue.

And, then, zombies. Zombies! Freaking zombies! They ambushed me!

It was the same clan of 'em as the last week. One of their scout teams had been following me - which means I move REALLY slowly, diary, which I can't help 'cause my boots aren't doing so good and this royal armour is weighing me down, but anyway - and they jumped me when I was getting close to the top a hill. I was singing 'Huggle Your Merry Man', and I missed their moans. The chorus is loud.

"You should not have left, old chap," one of them said, shoving my face into the ground.

"W... why?" I did my best not to barf. His hands smelled like old cheese, left in the sun for a month and dipped in rancid pickle brine.

"You're meant to marry the chief's daughter, of course. You've insulted her rather badly. You know that, don't you, old bean?"

"No! I'm married already! Lemme go!"

He shook his head. His ear fell off and pinged my helmet. "Not yet, you aren't. First you have to consummate the marriage. Come, we'll take you back and set things to rights. Pip pip!"

I argued some more, but he and his gang of friends weren't interested in my excuses. They glared blankly through their monocles, grinding their teeth and discussing the weather in hushed tones.

So what else could I do but punch him in the arm?

As soon as I did his grip gave, and I managed to roll away as the zombie tumbled. The other zombies lurched at me, but they're really slow, so, yeah, I got away. Even sent one of 'em flying down the hill alongside me as I ran. He kept shaking his fist as he rolled. That was kinda funny.

... but I lost all my stuff. Again.

Just have the armour on my back. And now I guess I have an entire tribe of zombies on my tail. They don't wanna eat me anymore, but getting married to some... undead... girl... is not my cup of tea. I don't know what she wanted to do beyond kissing, but I'll have no part of it! Not if Philip's dirty pictures are accurate!

I really hope this is just a zombie thing. Seems... weird... to try it with living people.

Shit shit shit,

Dragomir the Adventurer

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