Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Day One-Twenty-Three: Possible exaggeration

I've got it, diary! I've GOT IT! I'm so brilliant. I'm above brilliant! I'm, like, scientist-of-the-Imperium-with-a-research-grant-and-a-big-house-and-a-corvette-and-wait-a-sec-what's-a-corvette brilliant! I have an answer for the spike problem!

I was sitting on the moat, minding my own business, staring down a nasty-looking water spider - I figured they can't scare you if you scare 'em back, though judging by the look of the spider it wasn't too frightened - when I sneezed. I sneeze a lot, 'cause I'm getting kinda sick with all this time spent outside, my ass frozen to a moat. Blame me? No.

And when I sneezed, my eyes got all watery, and I blinked away the tears to try and see better. Happens all the time - only this time I flicked some of my tears off on the moat. And though they formed only these teensy, tiny little pools, I could see them freeze, adding a liiiiiittle bit more ice to the moat.

That was it. That was the moment. Eureka! Gods give me inspiration! I knew what to do! Why chisel spikes when you can make them on the ice?

I got back inside the castle through the barbican, insisting that I had something real important to tell The Baron, and that he'd flog the guard on duty (it's Bernard, by the way - bastard hates me as much as the damn captain) if I wasn't allowed in. I didn't talk to The Baron, though: I went straight to Libby.

Libby works in the baileys with the rest of the craftsmen and women, sawing wood and making new furniture and doors and stuff for the castle. When I ran up she was busy with an order of shovel handles - she's been making a ton of 'em lately.

"Libby! Libby!" I cried, happy to see that she had a huge pile of wood sitting near her.

She fixed me with that evil, douchey glare of hers. "What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be at work, not messing around. It's been a while since I smacked you, you know…"

"I know! I know! And I miss it a lot." Sarcasm. "But I need help with what I'm doin'. Can you make me a bunch of little containers that look like… um… well, spikes? You know, like ice cream cones. Pointy ice cream cones. But spiky!"

"What the hell are you on about?" She looked ready to flog me with… actually she doesn't need anything other than her fists to flog me silly. "This better be important. I'm busy. More shovels, more picks, more…"

I explained. If she made me a couple dozen little spike containers, I could fill them with water from the castle's water supply - we have tons, since ice is getting melted and turned into drinking water all the time - and let 'em freeze. Once frozen, I just have to knock 'em out on the moat, then add a little bit more water to fix 'em to the ice. Voila! Spikes!

Libby worked hard to find something stupid about the plan, but in the end she gave up. "Yeah, okay. They aren't gonna be cones, though - I'll make 'em little pyramids. That's easier to do, 'n won't eat up my OWN time. Come back in an hour."

And, sure enough, after a visit to the Beefiary to warm my bones with a few yak tarts and a beer, I found a dozen of the spike pyramid thingers waiting! Tried 'em out, and though it takes a while for the water to freeze, they work like a charm! The snow even helps out in the process, 'cause I can shove the containers into the snow banks to keep 'em upright.

I'm a genius, diary. A DAMN GENIUS.


Dragomir the Awesome


  1. that's actually a great idea, I can't even come up with a "Ooooooh that gonna end badly" comment...

    (Word of Today: 'worefsie' "Couldn't think of a proper name for my dog, so I had the four year-old next door write something up! So his name is now Worefsie!")

  2. When I was in university I took a class in Ye Olde English, and worefsie sounds like it's straight outta Beowulf. Oh, those were the days... painful, Germanic-sounding days...

  3. Oh good ol'Beowolf...always naked grappling monsters and making love to CGI Angelina Jolie...what awesome history humans have!

    (Word: (I crap you not) 'Boongs' "Forsooth My Good Sire'Cheech'th, Can Thou'est Pass'est Thy Boongs My Way?" (I should stop watching Cheech and Chong)

  4. Comment due for the vote:

    Dragomir is a great fellow, and while he could 'use' a new hat, say a more solidly metal cap for survival, it's very unlikely he'll be given one for a long time, if ever.

    An outfit may be more useful, as his clothes might give him a way around the 'no holding weapons' thing. Spiked armor, or even just chain gauntlets could help. But it's just as likely to make it harder to get out of scrapes.

    A new Diary? But then how would Diary and Diary get along? Hello Diary! It Me, Diary. It also me Diary! Too much confusion.

    A promotion? Yes. As much as he doesn't do a great job 'guarding', Dragomir has an uncanny knack for getting his nose into situations... and solving them (Or at least getting out of them). While not so much a positive gift, I can see this being done to give him some shiny new highly reflective visible from a distance armor. Easier to track a potential trouble rather than turning him loose on any situation of vague amusement.

    Kingship wouldn't be bad, but I don't see King Jeff giving that up for even a day.

    A vacation is similarly unlikely. As said, it's not that Dragomir tends to actually 'guard' anything, so most of his adventures could be put into vacation time anyway.

    Sanity is vital, and something Dragomir doesn't have a lot of. Sure, it's not very funny, or interesting, but a few boring days of not being noticed would probably count as a better vacation than a real one. Plus he needs to recover SAN points before the zombie princess arrives as ambassador and demands Dragomir for her 'guide'.

    But what I really think our poor guard could use, is a Pet. Sure, Barrel might come close to a pet, but he's more of a companion. The rats really don't count, Dragomir might be more like their pet. The Diary might count, but Dragomir isn't aware it can move and speak. Of course the likely options for pets are most likely horrible ones, like a gator egg, or a baby mammoth, or a dragon egg so large it fills their home... But I still think Dragomir could use someone/something to put a bit of his paternal feelings upon, which might even return those feelings a little more obviously.

    (Word: Troillop. "You can tell the patrons are a bit drunk when their calls to the girls change from Trollop to Troillop.")

  5. Dude, Anonymous (Or AnonyMoose as I shall refer to them now) makes some awesome points. Cause like AnonyMoose says, he could use a promotion to a job that gives Dragomir something to do that he's actually good at (Since guarding tends to be...well...I don't think he really does it).

    (Word: 'rewgick' "I must say that this tastes terrible, it's almost like your wife made this meal with Rewgick!".)

  6. Dude. I've probably written shorter diary entries. That's awesome. And yes, I have been torturing Dragomir a bit on the parental front... I have a weird tendency to make my characters suffer like that...

    In other news, I wonder if I should start posting a 'word of the day' from the Captchas or something. Just shove it at the top under the quotes, or something.