Friday, February 17, 2012

Day One-Forty-Five: ... gang aft agley

I think I know why Robert's plans don't usually work, diary: BECAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT. A SELFISH, GREEDY IDIOT.

I told you what was happening today. Drug Captain Cedric's dog? Sneak into his room while he's on patrol? Check out what he's been writing? Yeah. Everything planned out, careful and precise… except for one thing: I should NEVER have brought in another person to help. NOT FOR A SECOND.

So here's what happened. Day started off perfect. Followed Captain Cedric to make sure he was on his usual route (he was), then checked into the Beefiary quick to make sure Robert was on cue. He gave me a thumbs' up. I returned it, giddy, and ran off to keep following Cedric.

He did as predicted. Ate lunch, went back to his room, fed Percy his meal, and left to patrol. Robert told me that the draught takes a few minutes to kick in, so I waited fifteen minutes, hidden in a nearby wall niche that I've been using to spy on the captain. Just sat… and watched… and waited.

And, sure to form, Percy, strutting about the apartment on his chain, swaggered to one side and fell over.

That was it, diary! That was the moment! I waited another minute to make sure Percy wouldn't get up - I heard a little 'hiccup' sound, but that was all - then, after checking the corridors to make sure nobody was coming, I charged right in to look through Captain Cedric's quarters. I can't describe how excited I was!

Short-lived. Very, very short-lived. Because, as soon as I set foot in the door, Percy tried to bite me.

I yelped and jumped out of the way, 'cause Percy was stumbling to his feet, letting out a half-assed bark that sounded more like he'd spent too much time with his head stuck in a mug of ale. And he basically HAD, 'cause Robert hadn't given him any sleeping draught, HE'D LACED PERCY'S FOOD WITH BEER. THE DAMN DOG WAS DRUNK OUT OF ITS MIND.

Percy lunged at me, but I guess his depth perception wasn't so good, 'cause he clonked his head on Captain Cedric's desk and sent a bunch of papers flying into the air. I ran to the other side of the room and Percy followed, tongue lolling out the side of his head, his eyes spinning like a pair of wooden tops. He couldn't keep his legs straight, and for a second I felt sorry for the poor thing.

And then he went mad. I don't know exactly what happened, but something in the dog's brain must have gone off-kilter, 'cause just before he got to me Percy veered off - and he headed straight for Captain Cedric's chamber pot.

I don't like chamber pots. The idea of sleeping in the same room as your pee weirds me out, and while it's true that I do TEND to pee in the midst of danger, I TRY to change my breeches before I hunker down for the night. Unfortunately, Captain Cedric seems to be so… ENTHUSIASTIC about his privacy that he… also… uses his chamber pot for… number… two.

So when Percy grabbed hold of the pot and started swinging it around, well, you can imagine the horrifying mess. I won't go into details, but… by the gods, it was on everything…

I didn't want to run through the castle covered in poo, so I dove behind the desk and grabbed at the papers on the floor, hoping that I could find what I was lookin' for in a hurry and not have to hunt about, 'cause the operation was going to hell in a hurry. Fortunately, THIS paid off, and I managed to steal (yes, I stole, sorry, captain) something Captain Cedric wrote. I shoved the parchment in my pocket and hightailed it outta there before Percy got done playing with his chamber pot.

Then I visited Robert. He fully admitted that he sells the plant used for the draught to vendors, 'cause beer works just fine to knock out the king. And if it works for King Jeffrey, well, why not a dog?

We're going to have more words later. He's lucky I can't pick up weapons.

Anyway… despite the SEVERE problems, and despite the fact that Captain Cedric's screaming could be heard halfway across the castle (we live in DIFFERENT BUILDINGS), the operation was a success. So here, diary, is something written by Captain Cedric, copied word-for-word.

"Gentle rose
Bobbing in the breeze
I call your name
But lo!
You do not hear me.
In the summer winds
All things transitory
Are lost.
And there
In my heart
Is the crux of the matter;
For you
And I
Are not one
And ne'er shall be.


Even from my brief look at the papers on the floor, I could tell that most of 'em were the same kinda poems.

Gods… gods help us. All.


Dragomir the Gentle Rose, Bobbing in the Breeze


  1. BWAHAHAHA! The plan seems to have gone way more perfect than possibly imagined! Took out the dog AND a chamber pot in one go!

    1. Yes... perfect... EXACTLY the word Dragomir would use to describe it, I'm suuuuure...