Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Day One-Thirty-Three: Off the beaten path... and then back on, technically

Gods-be-damned, diary! I HATE this man! What is it about people named Robert that makes them such utter douche bags?!

Robert was so horrified by my work yesterday that he decided to give me something else to do: deliver books to people. I'd wondered how the library gets so messy when NOBODY comes in, and now I know. People don't want to come near the place because they don't want to be near Robert - that's my hypothesis - so they send for him to deliver stuff.

Does that mean he leaves? Hell no. It means he usually has a page to shuttle stuff around the castle. The page was dismissed so I could get a week of work. Wish he'd kept the damn page and just let me rot, guarding an empty hall somewhere.

(Oh, and he said that it would be "a good chance to stretch my legs and get back on my feet", all smiles and sunshine. I know what that really means, old man. You don't fool me!)

So he gave me a stack of books, arranged free transit for me through the nobles' quarter to anywhere I wanted to go, and sent me off. And for a little while that was okay, since a lot of the nobles were working and not home.

But then I had to deliver a book to the queen. That's where everything went wrong.

I had to thank the queen, diary. She helped fill out my diary while I was stuck in a coma. I'd be such a jerk if I didn't thank her! So I did, a stack of books in my hand, and we chatted.

For a while.

Almost an hour.

What? Don't you judge me, diary. She's such a nice lady. Made me really happy to deliver news to her of things going on in the castle (which isn't much - everybody just looks really tired). I felt quite useful, which is something I WASN'T getting out of delivering Robert's poopy books.

But then I got back to the library. Here's what Robert said, or at least I think he said this, 'cause he was talking so fast that I couldn't much understand the words:

"You're late! Dragomir you're late! You don't dawdle as a deliveryman! Look, see? There are more books! More demands! You're making the library very upset indeed, and I can't tolerate such behaviour! You cannot dawdle! You must not tarry! The entire system of the library hinges upon timely delivery! If there is no time then there is anarchy, and I will not live in a library - nay, a world - ruled by anarchy! Blah blah blah…"

I added that last bit, 'cause after a while I nodded off. He couldn't even hit me hard enough to wake me up. It's nice to see there are SOME non-superhumans living in this stupid castle.

So he sent me off with another bundle of books, for a bunch more nobles, and he warned me not to be a MINUTE LATE in delivering 'em.

… but then Barrel found me.

It's tough to resist a tiny dragon that wants to play, diary. And Barrel did save me from that hole… thing… whatever… so I owe him too! I bet he woulda written in you if he'd had proper thumbs. So I held up a stick and he did loops around it, practicing his flying, 'cause he's still not that good at it.

Did that for an hour. And, uh, I went back to the library… without delivering any books.

"Dragomir! My boy! My gods! What have you done! The nobles wanted their books, and, and, and, my sweet humble deities, they didn't get them?! This world! Oh, a pox on this cruel, chaotic world that does not stand for the PROPER DELIVERY of BOOKS! I wish I could slit my wrists at the thought of it but I CANNOT, I am the LAST BASTION OF BLAH BLAH BLAH"

And this time he beat me with his bamboo walking stick and that, unfortunately, DID hurt.

What an asshole.

Please just let me guard something,

Dragomir the Downright Shitty Librarian


  1. Sounds like Dragomir is being a tad bit of a slack-off and maybe needs a lesson in humlltea...humdiggity?...humlee-t?...humilite...HUMILITY!...think I spelt it right...Anyways he's just being a tiny bit arrogant with his new job (though ya can't blame a guy who was in a coma much).

    (Word of the day (been awhile): 'fidhi' "Hey, can I borrow Tree-Fidhi? Ya know, Tree-Fidhi!...Like Tree dollars and Fidhi cents?")

    1. Also showed my father your word of the day, SteewpidZombie and he found it hilarious. Now he won't stop saying it.

  2. It is like he has never even met Dragomir the (Not very useful) Guard. So when Dragomir the (very useless but still fun to talk to) Librarian came to town what did he expect? Even the Baron knows he is an awful guard and how well can the Baron really know him. I can't believe how worked up I am over over a fictional diary. :p

    1. Yeah, but Dragomir tends to do that since it's a more constant and developing story then most webcomics or novels where you get a update once a week or month. Also it appears my earlier assumption about the gender poll is wrong, I originally said that it'd be 90% guys since of course us males are easily distracted by anything shiny or clickable, while women of course are only distracted by small cute animals (Which reminds me I have to pet my cat since she's buggin me now). So I admit it! I was wrong! More than just guys with short attention spans view Dragomir!

      (Word: 'ismitud' "Imf sfooo coooold...I..f...fff...ffffff...fffhurrgot...muy....ismitud...isfuff...ishffff...(Translation: Mittens).

  3. Man, the conversations I miss when I'm at a play.

    For the record, though I'm generally SOMEWHAT amused by the things I write, I think Robert's rants are the only moments that have thus far elicited honest-to-god El Oh Ells. It's like I shut down my brain for a few minutes and let my fingers go to work, and when I come back there's a crazed rant on the screen.

    1. Which isn't a bad thing, it's pretty much all I do. I type without thinking and just spew out the most random things at times and I often don't make much chicken stew on saturday with a small chilli pot...I mean...I often don't make much sense...

      (Word: 'trall' "I ain't no internet troll, I'm a Trall, the first evolution of a Troll after you've fed it enough Rare Candies and gotten some badges from the gym leaders of the net")