Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Day One-Fifty-Eight: Time to start taking bets

I think I might have an answer to my Captain Cedric problem, diary. And, weird though it sounds, the kangaroo's the one that gave me the idea.

I don't know squat about magic - lotsa people think it doesn't even exist, though I know better, I've seen things - so I had to stick with giving Captain Cedric his old thinger as a gift. Weird as hell gift, I know, but he might be touched by the gesture, and I really need that leverage, you know? And since the prince has it in his quarters, I had to go visit Logan and have a little chat. Maybe convince him to give the thinger up once and for all.

When I went to his little sleeping storage shed, though, I found the kangaroo waiting. And, as usual, it didn't look happy to see me.

The kangaroo's a rough customer, I gotta say. Even though it's covered in muscles it's quite sinewy, and it moves with the swiftness of a leaf on the wind. (Getting that quotations sensation again…) And when I tried to get past the bouncing bastard to see the prince, it punched me in the face.

And then again.

And then three more times. (I guess if I'd not been wearing armour it might have hit me somewhere else.)

Then it kicked me to the ground and bounced off, disappearing into the west bailey. I lay in the snow for a good five minutes, my face bloodied to hell, before I could shake the haze out of my head.

That's where Prince Logan found me. He'd been fetching some food from the Beefiary, and he looked genuinely concerned when he found the snow outside his shack stained red. Said my face resembled a burst strawberry, and since I could still barely see I had to accept his assessment.

"Sorry about him," Logan apologized, helping me to my feet. "He doesn't like strangers. Or familiar people. Or anybody who surprises him. Or… anybody but me and my mom, I guess. Sorry?"

I stuck my cap back on my head. "Printh, ah'd weally luv to beat tha thing with a mathe."

"A what?"

"A mathe. Big thing with thpiketh."

"Still don't."

"A mathe! A mathe! Okay, fine, my fithtth."

"Come again?"

Didn't answer him, though, because I'd worked past my broken face and withdrawn into my brain, a burst of inspiration pushing for my attention. The answer was so simple, so pure and easy, that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought it up days ago.

The prince waved a hand in my face. "You still there?"

"Yeth!" I spit in his face, then immediately wiped it away with my sleeve. "Thorry. Um, quethtion."

"We should probably get you to a doctor. Your nose looks like a bloody waterfall."

"Ladah! Ladah. Your kangaroo (it sounded more like 'kn-graa-roof'), he liketh to fight, right?"

Logan pulled me into his shack and slopped a wad of rags on my face to quench the bleeding. "Are you simple? Of course he likes to fight. You wouldn't be in this state if he preferred to talk things over."

"Yeth," I said through the rags. "Anb Captain Thedric liketh to fight, yeth?"

Logan hesitated. "Yeeees… you'd know better than me, but I suppose so… what are you getting at?"

I'll cut through the stumbly talk and get to the suggestion. Cedric likes to fight. The kangaroo likes to fight. The kangaroo bit off Cedric's thinger. Cedric can't get his thinger back from Logan - but he might feel better if he had the chance to fight the kangaroo again, and maybe even beat it.

And they're both great at punching. So… boxing match?

Logan loved the idea. "I love the idea!" he cried. "Yes! Yes! I want to see that. That captain's a dick, and so's my kangaroo. They'll make a great match. Yes, set it up, right away. Talk to your captain, I'll set my kangaroo up for the fight. We'll hold it on Friday in the barracks' training space."

Of course Friday. Everything happens on Friday.

Don't you agree, though, diary? Cedric's a violent man. He likes to beat on things to relieve his frustration. Usually that thing is me, but now… now he has ROYAL PERMISSION to attack the creature that robbed him of his manhood and made his life miserable! It sounds like a damn good idea.

Now I just have to pitch it to him and hope he accepts.

And, y'know, if Cedric dies, I move up the guard chain automatically as he gets replaced…

Ugh. That's a terrible thought. Sorry, diary, I shouldn't have gone that route. I will talk to Cedric tomorrow, and he will fight, and he will win, and we will be the best of pals, and at the very least he won't beat me up as much from now on! Maybe!


Dragomir the Kinda Boxing Coach

1 comment:

  1. ...I'll start taking bets, 20-1 on the Kangaroo vs Cedric