Thursday, March 8, 2012

Day One-Fifty-Nine: Hungry like the boxer

Today was weiiiiiird, diary, super weird. Can't describe it as anything else.

Most of the day was fine. Did the usual: guarded stuff, slacked a bit at work, waited for Captain Cedric to come around on his inspections so I could tell him about the fight tomorrow. I was hyped, 'cause I figured he'd be turning up for sure.

But he never did.

I've known Captain Cedric for two years, diary, and I know him better now than… well, better than I probably ever wanted. He's a dude who likes routine. He hates when things don't go the way he's planned, and I don't think I've ever NOT seen him on his normal inspection route.

But he wasn't today. I didn't once catch him wandering the corridors, or hulking over in the Beefiary, or yelling at one of his subordinates (usually me), or… anything. Even Bernard couldn't tell me where to find the captain, and Bernard's a suck-up.

After several hours of waiting and worry (and boredom), I decided to go looking for the captain. Even skipped dinner so I could cover as much as the castle as possible. And, whaddya know, I eventually DID find him - in the barracks' training range, where we're planning on watching him fight.

By himself.

With no shirt.

Covered in sweat.

Awkward moment.

I'm sure I've mentioned before that Captain Cedric is a hairy fellow. Always has been. Lately, though… it seems like he has a lot more hair than usual, like it's creeping up his face and sticking out of the links in his chainmail. And when I got a look at his chest… boy howdy, diary, he is a HAIRY BASTARD. Seen brown bears with less hair.

He was breathing hard when I approached him, and it was obvious that he'd been working out, his eyes bloodshot from exertion. I'm… not sure if eyes GO bloodshot from exertion, normally, but there you go.

"The fuck do you want?" he mumbled, his voice really low and gravelly. More than usual.

"Hi, uh, hi, cap'n." I wished I'd stayed near the door so I could run, but, no, I stupidly stood five feet away from the guy. "Could… could we talk?"

The captain straightened. Then, without warning, he started… clawing… the air in front of him. Like he was practicing, as he usually does, but… different. Bestial. "You talk too much lately. Whaddya want?"

"Well… you weren't on patrol at all today, so, like, I figured… I just wanted to see…"

He stalked over beside me, the sweat from his forehead dripping on the top of my helmet. Gods is he big. "Cut to the point."

You don't argue with a sweaty, hairy man. "I wondered if you might wanna have a fight with the prince's kangaroo because it bit your thinger and stuff and please don't hurt me I have a wife and a child and I might wet myself?" The sentence ended in me cringing on the ground. I am a proud man.

Cedric laughed. "This have anything to do with that?"

I followed his outstretched finger, peeking from under my cap. He was pointing at a big banner hanging at the end of the range, the words 'CEDRIC VS. KANGAROO - WHO WILL WIN?' painted from end to end.

"Oh. Yeah."

He spat. "Gimme the details."

I did. Ten rounds of boxing, two minutes per round. Straight punches, no biting. Try not to kill your opponent too much. Winner… wins? Not much more to it. I didn't want to tell him straight out that the match was meant to make him feel better, though he probably got the gist of that on his own.

Cedric didn't say anything for a while after I stopped talking. He kept clawing the air, grunting and panting and snorting. I slowly inched away on my knees, hoping he'd gotten the message, 'cause he was scaring me pretty good by that point.

I was almost halfway to the exit when he turned around. "Dragomir, you - hey, get back here, y'damn wuss."

I crawled back. Sigh.

Cedric tipped my helmet off my head with one finger, and as he pulled away I could have sworn that his fingernail was sharpened. (Or maybe he doesn't trim. I dunno.) "Dragomir, did you set this all up?"

"Um." I fidgeted. "Kinda?"

Cedric grinned. It wasn't the same smile as the one he gave me during our little dinner, though - this one looked better suited to a wild animal, all toothy and vicious. Fit his face quite nicely. "Thanks. Fuckin' poems only help you cope so much. I'm lookin' forward to beatin' the shit outta that thing."

He turned away, back to his exercise. I ran. Being near him was much too intense an experience, and besides that, he smelled like the ostrich pens.

By the gods, what has happened to him, diary? Cedric was always an unpleasant fellow, and I've been scared by him before, but never like this. I felt like a rabbit staring into the eyes of a wolf.

I have no clue what's going to happen tomorrow. I'm suspecting that the match may not have been the best idea after all. The kangaroo's a mean customer, but Cedric… Cedric freaked me out today…

I say again: weeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrdddddd.


Dragomir the Guard


  1. Let's get ready to rrrrumble!

  2. A rabid and hairy beast will be unleashed upon the world of boxing, leaving nothing but blood and carnage behind...I feel sorry for the Kangaroo now...