Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Day One-Fifty-Seven: Thingers ruin all conversations

Nope. Rats are a zero on the helpful scale.

I haven't visited the rat farms in ages. The rats… I don't know what to think about the rats. They're on my side, clearly, but they act so mysterious all the time… and whenever they pop into my business, everything seems to go wrong… like with that whole visit to the ruins outside Goblinoster. That flipped my life upside down and inside out.

No worries about THAT right now, though. Right now, I talk about how the rats chew me out for asking them about reattaching thingers - or growing new ones.

The rats were all watching when I came down to chat, and one was sitting just outside the fence around the farms to act as the lead rat. I brought a few scraps of parchment from you along to help, since the rats can't actually talk out loud (I think), and this is what they said:

Rat: "Greetings, Dragomir. We know why you have come. We cannot help you."

Me: "Aw! What! Why not? You can do all sorts of crazy stuff, why not this?"

Rat: "Because we do not deal in such lewd arts as the reassembling of broken men. Our power is suited to nobler purposes."

Me: "I bet you just can't do it, that's why."

Rat: "Not true, we can."

Me: "Nu uh. I just bet."

Rat: "We can! Do not doubt our power, suppressed though it may be! That power keeps you all safe!"

Me: "The hell does that mean?"

Rat (looking as flustered as a rat ever does): "Do not worry about that now. We cannot help you. Go back to your life, Dragomir, and forget this nonsense."

Me: "Ugh. Is… is there anyone ELSE who could reattach his thinger?"

Rat: "Why do you persist?"

Me: "Because it's important! A man shouldn't be without his thinger. It's just not right. I bet rats don't even have thingers, so you wouldn't know, would you? The importance of a thinger."

Rat: "Of course we have them! How do you think there are thousands of us?"

Me: "What, all of you? Even the women? I've seen Libby without pants and SHE didn't have a thinger, so, like, are different species-"

Rat: "June. June can do it. But you are not meant to go back to her now, so forget this foolishness. Please stop talking to us now."

Me: "June? Really? But, damn, she's so far away… and I'm not due for a vacation, like, ever… and I don't wanna walk all that way. Can she grow him a new one if I can't get the old one away from the prince?"

Rat: "Dear gods, just go away."

So that's where that is. The rats are brusque, I've learned more cryptic stuff I probably didn't want to know, June can reattach (and maybe grow) thingers but she's super far away, and I'm no closer to a promotion than I was before.

Sigh. Well… if I can't reunite Captain Cedric with his old thinger, and I can't grow him a NEW thinger, what can I do? Questions, questions.


Dragomir the Guard


  1. Being a wise old sage...or a rat...must be difficult when you get questions like these...

    1. It doesn't happen often enough in popular fiction. How would, say, Obi-Wan Kenobi responded if Luke Skywalker had asked him about puberty? Awkwaaaard.