Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day One-Eighty-Seven: Improv is harsh

This winning-the-prize thing might be tougher than I thought, diary. Turns out I might not have any entertainment skills.

This comes as a surprise to me, I gotta admit. I'm a witty guy. I can make people laugh. I know a few good jokes. I guess these skills only come out when I'm not trying, tho, 'cause every time I TRIED to tell a joke today, I… mostly… got shot down.

It started with Libby this morning. I waited 'til she woke up, then I tossed this awesome joke her way:

"Hey. Hey Libby. What do you get when you mix a rat with a soldier?"

"Shut up, I'm putting my pants on. I need to concentrate."

"A Mousekateer!" Jazz hands.

"What? Stop bothering me. I'm so tired."

I kept at it, though. "Hey. Hey Libby. What do you get when you mix an elephant with a traveller?"

"Fuck off!"

"A Pack-A-Derm! Because it probably has a toothbrush! For those huge tusks, y'know. Get it?" Jazz hands.

Judging by the jab to my stomach, I think she missed the punchline.

… get it? Punchline? 'cause… she TOTALLY… punched me.


Well, after that I went about my shift, telling people I met along the way any jokes I could think up. Y'know, to test the waters. In case my douchey, always-crabby wife just wasn't the best audience. Turns out I wasn't any better off with the rest:

Grylock: "I've seen horses crap out better jokes than that. And I used to be a stable boy, so I know my crap."

Cedric: "Get back on your patrol, y'stupid arse. I don't like funnies." What a surprise.

Robert (both of 'em, coincidentally): "Yes, yes, that's very nice. Go on, I'm busy with my b/cooking."

Morris: "M'da always said jokes were th'devil's work. Sorry, Dragomir, but you'd better leave."

Eve: "The skulls of the forefathers line my victory pikes."

Random Peasant: "Who are you again?"

The only person who laughed at one of my jokes was Prince Logan. Hell, he laughed at all of them, which made me feel good about myself - until he told me he thought they were so bad that they were funny. Which is… a start… but not a good enough start, I'm afraid. Gonna hafta look for a new angle.

Other than that, it was a normal day. Work is for chumps, so I wandered the castle looking at the attractions that are either set up or in progress. Lots of bobbing for porcupines and Kick the Clam and barrel rolling going on. You know, the standard stuff. Even saw a little troupe of actors putting on a play about a tyrant king. Hope they're not dumb enough to show it to King Jeffrey, or they're liable to be feeding moat monsters before the end of the week.

Oh, and I tried to talk to Libby about why she's been so late. Lately. She hit me and told me to mind my own business. I thought her business was my business, and vice versa…? When I made a joke of it, she wapped me over the head with a piece of wood. Sigh.


Dragomir the Failed Jokester

1 comment:

  1. Just put your pants on one dubstep at a time.

    Maybe Dragomir is just doing his Jazz Hands wrong. Proper Jazz Hands are very subtle. Most people don't even realize that they're mucking it up.