Monday, April 23, 2012

Day One-Ninety-One: Enough with the contests

The king wants more, diary. The king always wants more. Hell, his stupid contest last week was basically just a giant job interview. He never gives back, he just wants things for he, him, and his majesty. Bah, what a third-person prig.

Yep! You heard me, Logan! Your dad's a prig! You go ahead and tell him I wrote this, if you're reading! I know you are! I don't even care anymore! Let him execute me! He's a GRADE A PRIG! AND AN ASSHAT, EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULD BE REALLY GROSS TO SEE, 'CAUSE ASSES ARE ALL FUZZY!

So yes. WHAT DOES HIS REGALNESS WANT THIS WEEK? Well, it appears that Jeffrey wants to expand his court, now that he has a jester. He wants it to be all proper and stuff, and that means having a second throne to sit alongside his own. Yep, he wants a solution to Queen Daena's problem, at long last.

(In case you'd forgotten, she's stuck in a tree.)

It's not like people haven't tried before. A think tank of nobles has been mulling over the problem for, like, two years. Problem is, they don't know what will happen if they try to dig up or move Queen Daena's tree. If it dies, what happens to her? For that matter, will harming the tree hurt Daena? Has the tree basically turned into her butt?

Science should have an answer for these questions. But it doesn't. No wonder I talk about gods so often, they have nothing to do with that technology claptrap.

The king, as usual, is impatient. He wants to be able to move about with his queen at his side. So he's offering a reward to anyone who can come up with an idea for moving the queen's tree, if not outright extracting her from the thing.

(Gods only know what the reward is. Maybe the stupid jester needs a backup jester. Jeffrey's gifts are SO GLAMOUROUS, after all.)

Unlike the king's other contests, this one's open until somebody comes up with a good idea. And he's promised not to imprison anyone with a BAD idea, probably 'cause he got an earful from Daena last week. She seems less tolerant of his crap these days, and good on her for it. Getting her out of that stupid tree will only help the castle, I have no doubt.

Assuming she CAN get out. So here we are, full circle. Y'know?

I'll think about ways to help her. Might as well. I owe Queen Daena for her support. And for saving my life against those goblins, waaaaay back in… September? October? I think it was raining… could always skim you for the answer, diary, but you're gettin' pretty chunky. Besides, I wouldn't wanna see how bad a writer I was way back then. Yuck.

Anyway. That's all for now. I'm guarding a cupboard this week. Captain Cedric is pissed that I keep getting weeks off. Don't expect to hear much about the cupboard; I looked inside and all I found was a cup full of dead cockroaches. I might have tipped them out a window when no one was looking. If somebody finds out and complains, I will HAPPILY reimburse them.


Dragomir the Guard


  1. Oh this is easy. If there is one thing I've learned from years of abusing ragdoll physics corpses, it's how to get them stuck in things. And as a direct result of always getting bodies stuck in the scenery, I've become somewhat adept at removing them as well.

    All you need, is grenades, or a standard melee attack. Basically, you just blow up the object they're stuck in once or twice, and the force of the blast should send the subject hurling to freedom. Or off a bridge. Barring explosive force, just giving something a number of good whacks ought to do the trick. Make sure to hit it good and hard. We're competing with lethal explosions here.

    ...oh. You want to get her out ALIVE.

    Sorry. Can't help you.

    1. Pictures of Dragomir with the Goldeneye rocket launcher in my head...