Friday, May 25, 2012

Day Two Hundred-Fifteen: Whip it, whip it good

I'm in deep shit. As predicted. But it's weirdly created a job opportunity! So… yay!

The Omega Corps has officially called a premature end to the job shadowing nonsense. They were sick of us 'normies' interfering with their schedules, and the king agreed to return things to normal. I think Logan's disappointed that I didn't get anywhere with Eve, but, there you go. I frankly didn't expect much bonding.

And, uh, my stomach hurts from throwing up. So… I'm kinda glad it's over. I don't wanna know EVERYTHING she does. Just… some.

But it's not totally! There will be another chance to get to know my lovely daughter - and this time, I'm gonna try and bring my wife in on it. Yep, Libby, Eve and I are aaaaaaaall (assuming I can convince Libby) going on VACATION!

Lemme explain. I was stationed back by the slop buckets today when Captain Cedric came calling. He informed me, with GREAT relish, that I was to report to Lady Evangelina's quarters in the nobles' wing. Said a royal guard would lead me once I got to the wing. I didn't really need guidance since I've technically been there before, but I figured it was better not to tell the captain that I was spying on her for The Baron. Sticky business, that.

Went to the nobles' wing. Got escorted by Brock, of all people. (Like there's any difference between those Omega Corpsers anymore.) Knocked on Lady Evangelina's door. Went in when it was opened by one of her servants. Spent every second of the trip trying to control my bowels.

Evangelina was not happy to see me. She made no secret of the fact that she despised me for messing up her negotiations yesterday. Hell, most of the meeting she was staring, not at me, but at a bullwhip mounted just above her bed. She's scarier than I thought. Perfect fit for Driscol, I guess?

Evangelina didn't punish me. On the contrary: she said she wants me to come with her to a conference in a city to the west of here, a place called Bottomless. Big merchant hub. She says it's the perfect neutral territory for ambassadors to meet and greet and all that stuff. She wants to carry on the talks that I flubbed the other day, and that's the place to do it. You know my stance on politics, diary, so meh.

But going to a city! On an official visit! That's damned exciting. DAMNED exciting. I've never been to a city before. (Goblinoster doesn't count, that was a GOBLIN city.) I've always wondered what a city looks like, a proper, human city with people milling around and talking and selling stuff. And so forth. Excitement! Glee!


"Why me, your ladyship?"

Evangelina sneered. She sat down behind her desk, a big, curvy oaken unit with ends sculpted into tiny trees. She didn't, wouldn't, look away from her bullwhip. "Why do you think you're coming along?"

Shrug. How would I know? I figured the last thing she'd want a dude like me to do is come along on some ambassadorial excursion.

She sighed. "I need guards. You're a guard. I need attendants. You can serve in that capacity, if necessary. I hope. I've also been asked to take you along by someone influential, and I do not question influential people. I simply do my job. I trust you can carry through on yours? Without further inquiries?"

I saluted. "Yes, m'lady. I can do inquiries. I mean, er, not do inquiries."

"Shut it. Be ready for sun-up on Monday. We leave early. Pack light. Any questions?"

I straightened. "Ah, yes, I - "

"I told you there would be no more inquiries. Get out."

"But you said-"



Her servant ushered me out of the room, and Brock, still waiting outside the door, ushered me out of the nobles' wing. So much for basking in the glow of the lives of the rich. (They have stupid tapestries anyway.)

So that's that! It's not REALLY a vacation, but it's a trip beyond the walls of the castle. And, unlike this time, there will be lots of other people goin' with us: a few soldiers, a couple royal guards, a whole caravan of merchants and castle representatives, Grylock (them ambassadors stick together), and, hot diggity, Eve. The Lord Knight has agreed to join the caravan, at Evangelina's request. I'm sure she was MUCH more polite to Eve than she was to me, though, in fairness, Eve didn't muss up her guests' hair and clothes.

Yes, if Eve had done anything, it woulda been to KILL THEM ALL, probably. Evangelina should be GRATEFUL for my silliness.

This is my chance, diary. I'm gonna spend allllll night tonight convincing Libby to come along. We can use the trip there as the PERFECT bonding experience with our little girl. Libby still hates Eve, and I would LOVE to karate kick her outta that mindset. Y'know? A mother shouldn't hate her daughter. We'll work on it.

I'm stoked, diary. Never has dumping seafood on a dude's head yielded so much profit!


Dragomir the Guard


  1. When a problem comes along, you must whip it.

    Damnit. Damnit all. I can't even force that song out by humming the Tetris theme. What have you done!?

  2. Go for the Mario Theme, its an easier transition.

  3. Poor. Naive. Dragomir.


  4. ...Run as fast as your leg's will carry you, and don't look back. This has bad Karma written all over it.