Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day Two-Forty-Eight: Alas, poor Harold

Ahhh, elocution lessons. You rued the day you met up with Libby 'n me.

I get the feeling that Kierkegaard is well aware of these lessons and has a personal interest in mucking us up, 'cause today's kingly decree was aimed directly at speech. To be more specific, Jeffrey decreed that everyone had to adopt a single, silly accent, and run with it for the entire day.

(People continue to take the decrees seriously, too. The Omega Corps are watching over us from every angle. At LEAST twenty people were jailed yesterday 'cause they refused to wear turnips on their heads during the twilight hours. These are harsh times, diary of mine.)

Harold came to get us a half hour after breakfast. His accent was not as silly as ours, merely lowering his voice into a husky whisper. Mine was closer to the shrill screech of a wealthy debutante whose toe has just been snipped by a rowdy lobster. Very specific, but I like specifics.

Libby's was the best by far. I think she's decided to have some fun with this noble training crap, so she made a little moustache out of straw, stuck it to her lip with a bit of honey, and strutted about with a puffy, exaggerated, fat man's voice all day. At the end of just about every sentence she laughed and tipped an invisible hat to whomever she was talking. She even did it when hitting me! I'm proud of her sense of humour.

Anyway. Elocution lessons! I suspect that a full-blown curriculum would take months to complete, so Harold opted to run us through a few basic phrases that we'd be expected to pronounce properly. Nobody will want to address us anyway, so these phrases'll only come in handy when absolutely HAVE to speak. Here's what he wanted us to learn:

- "We're seated on the bride's side"
- "Yes, we are those people you've been told about"
- "Excuse me"
- "Huzzah for the bride and groom"
- "May Prince Logan forever remain a prince, as King Jeffrey is surely immortal"
- "Which way is it to the reception"
- "I would like whatever food you think best"
- "I will politely decline to give a speech, but I am overjoyed for the blissful union of the prince and the Lord Knight of the realm"
- "We are very happy to be here"
- "We have been told not to speak"
- "Goodnight"

All of these things we were meekly instructed to pronounce with proper posture and intonation. No slouching, no slurring, no swearing. Harold tried his best to hammer the three S's into us, and I, personally, think I did quite well, despite my screechy accent. Might've gone a bit high whenever I reached a vowel, but that's to be expected, right? Right. Darn tootin'.

'course, I… didn't do so well at MEMORIZING the lines. My versions were a little different from the originals, like so:

- "We're sittin' over there's"
- "I think you know what we know about ourselves"
- "Hey, now, watch it"
- "Huzzah for my little girl, SHE'S NOT EVEN ONE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE"
- "May Prince Logan soon become King Logan 'cause King Jeffrey is a poo head" (I only said that one once before Harold told me to SHUT THE HELL UP)
- "Where be food"
- "I'll decide what kinda food I have, thanks"
- "If I give a speech in front of this many people I might pee myself, so thanks, but gotta go"
- "Huzzah"
- "They told me to shut up on the way in"
- "Bedtimeeeee"

Not QUITE on the mark. It's remarkable how I managed to remember the originals AFTER the fact, yet I butchered 'em so badly on the spot. Meh, my versions are better anyway.

And Libby? Her response for every line was either "My, but I am a fat man! M'belly will crack the floor! Fetch me some poutine! Ooooooohohohohoho" or "Go fuck yourself, y'pimply brat! Oooooohohohoho." Then she'd twirl her moustache. Classy.

Harold gave up after an hour and a half and sent us home. Therefore? Elocution: done. Are we any closer to being prepared? Not bloody likely! Eve won't care how we act, so why should I? Not a big deal. Just jump through some hoops and keep quiet when the time comes. Hopefully Libby will do the same. If we shut up, there will be no problem.

Unless not doing the quiet polite stuff gets us kicked out of the wedding.

Hadn't… hadn't thought of that.


Dragomir the Guard


  1. Oh she's so Pringles. Where yo curly moustache at?

    Libby further enforces her status as best character. I can respect a woman who solves all her problems through punching and profanity. That's how I do it. If punching a problem doesn't fix it, punch it harder.

  2. Dragomir is so lucky to have an awesome wife like that.

  3. A moustache makes everything better!