Monday, July 2, 2012

Day Two-Forty-One: The land down under

Well, diary, it's official. The castle has gone to crap.

Today marked the beginning of a countdown to my daughter's wedding. King Jeffrey openly declared, shortly after daybreak, that the ceremony would be taking place late this month. Once it does, the kingdom will have a prince and a princess.

And another princess. Sorry. Celine's forgettable. No offense!

Because this is such an auspicious occasion, Jeffrey has declared the entire month of July to be a time of celebration. Every day will be jam-packed with entertainment, not wholly dissimilar to Jeffster. I'm hoping that means Edmund will come riding into town again; I could use some rhyming fun.

Yeah. REALLY could use some rhyming fun.

You might be wondering, diary, WHY such a grand time would be labelled so badly by yours truly. The answer to that is very simple: King Jeffrey has gone fucking bananas. He has LOST HIS MIND.

King Jeffrey has long been known for weird decrees. They're a staple of his reign. For example, when I first moved here, there was a decree enforced that required everyone owning a house to paint King Jeffrey's face on their underwear. I never could figure out why NON-homeowners weren't required to do the same, but there you go. I'm sure a few pairs of underwear out there still proudly bear Jeffrey's grinning face.

What he's doing now is above and beyond that silly nonsense. Jeffrey's becoming downright tyrannical.

Shortly after announcing the date for the union of his son and my daughter, Jeffrey decreed that, as a form of celebration, everyone in the castle was required to swap their pants and their shirt. Wardrobe is upside-down. This sounds like a funny predicament to YOU, diary, but it's BLOODY DIFFICULT to walk about with your legs shoved through armour holes. Not to MENTION I had to ruin a perfectly good pair of breeches so I could see out my bottom.

… that sounds wrong. You know what I mean, right?

The women have it worse. Libby's about the same as me, 'cause she never wears a dress, but the noble ladies in gowns are right put out by the decree. Everywhere they go their dresses are falling down and revealing their chests to everybody - and they can't go very far, because their legs are COMPLETELY tied up by their bodices or corsets or whatever. I got a kick out of watching one poor lass try to cross the main thoroughfare with her upside-down retinue, stumbling along with her cheeks blazin' red.

'long with her other bits. Embarrassment, I discovered, travels aaaaaall the way down.

Ha haaaa, yeah. I guess it's not all bad. And, hey! It's really convenient when you have to go to the bathroom. I mean, the neck hole is right there.

Hm. I might buy a new shirt before this upside-down thing goes back to normal.

But the merchants are all gone…

Utterly intolerable. Uuuuuutterly.

There have been grumblings. Robert, still the de facto union leader, told me today that he's considering a resurgence of the old insurrection. He's got a lot of support, and if Jeffrey insists on an entire month of upside down clothing, I might just join the lot. I know for a FACT that most of the guards would cross the picket lines with me.

'cept Cedric. Aaaaaaaalways will Cedric side with the monarchy. Even though he clearly dislikes fitting his broad shoulders into his pants. Ha haaaaa, another funny thing, that.

There's gonna be a mass petition to Queen Daena tonight. Everybody wants her to appeal to her husband to stop this nonsense. If what she said LAST week is true, though, she might have as much luck communicating with Jeffrey as we usually do. Which may result iiiiiiin yet another strike!

Sigh. I would adore a normal king, I really would.

One last thing you may have wondered about: Logan has disappeared. The wedding aside, the prince hasn't made an appearance, and when I dared to ask a royal guard about him all I received was a death stare. I'm worried for his health, and I wonder what's happening to him, inside the king's tower.

Meh. He's probably being attended to by the finest physician's in the land. Hopefully Jeffrey isn't so batshit nuts that he would ACTUALLY toss Logan in a dungeon.



Dragomir the Upside-Down Man


  1. XD I noticed the picture on the top right corner before reading today's update. Made me chuckle.

  2. Drago, you are wearing your hat wrong!

    Libby does not appear amused.