Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Day Two-Eighty-Eight: All political and such

King Gok has left his kingdom.

Right when I need him to talk to me.

Asssssssstard. Yes, that's right, I left the 'b' off. It seems more severe that way.

Grylock assures me that Gok will be back by Friday. The king decided to test his spies in the plains to make sure they're up to snuff by paying them 'unscheduled' visits. In other words, he's gonna scare the crap out of 'em to see if they're doing their jobs. Guess Gok doesn't wanna take any chances, given what he heard about the threat from our old castle.

It's a prudent measure. But it leaves me high-and-dry for negotiating our needs. How am I supposed to get the shit to build a village if the king is gone? How am I supposed to negotiate in the first place?! I don't know how, but I DO know that the freaking KING needs to be here for me to DO IT! ARGH, how can I be prepared to leave by Friday if we have NOTHING but the CRAPPY CLOTHES ON OUR BACKS?! AND MY FLOPPY HAT?!



There is some good news: Grylock told me that he's coming with us. Says he misses working with his hands, and has offered to be our blacksmith 'til we get somebody official. I vaguely recall him telling me that he did smithin' when he was a lad, so that works for me. And once we do get a blacksmith, Grylock'll become the official liaison between us and the goblins. So that's something.

Why would goblins NEED a liaison with a piddly little village that'll probably fail? I dunno. Don't care, neither. We'll want all the help we can get. At least Grylock's standards are a lot lower than those of other nobles. He ate a live gerbil, once, 'n spit out the bones at my feet. If that ain't a lack of class, I don't know what is.

The only other big news I have for today comes by way of an announcement. Libby let the nobles into our bedroom long enough for me to announce my intention to become mayor of our new settlement, wherever that might be and whenever it might be erected. My (short) speech to this effect was written as such:

"My friends, I come before you today to answer one of the questions many of you have asked me, through the doorway into our chamber: 'What next? What do we do now? What is our next step?' I believe I can reply, now, with utmost sincerity, and hopefully assuage some of your fears.

We shall have a home again, friends. We shall build one.

Long have we sat in abject, gobliny misery, and the good King Gok has announced that we must depart from his lands by the end of the week. I propose, therefore, that we set out and establish our own settlement, far from this city. I have engaged in negotiations to procure the necessary items for our journey, and I anticipate that we will be underway by Friday.

This prospect fills me with great excitement. I have learned much of the ways of leadership, watching other leaders in action over the past year, and I believe I can take up the role you all wish thrust upon me as the architect of a new home. I ask only that you provide me with such aid that will help make this community great, greater even than the one we left behind.

I cannot do this alone! No one man can make a village, nor a town, nor a castle or city or empire! We are all equals in this endeavour, and though I claim the role of mayor, I am your servant. I will guide you all, if you will guide me. Through cooperation and trust, we will succeed! In this I have supreme confidence!"


Flowery, appropriately long, makes me sound smarter than I am. Good stuff for a mayor to read off to his constituents. Please note something, though, diary: I said that I wrote my speech like this. My delivery… was… different.

"Hey, y'all. I'm, ah, Dragomir. Guy next door. You keep bangin' on my walls at night… yellin'… askin' for answers… 'n shit… don't do that. It's loud, and my wife is all preggers, and she hits me for it. You shouldn't hit a mayor, yeah? It's, like, illegal or something.

Oh. Yeah. I'm gonna be mayor. Yay! You all said I hafta, and, um, the witch told me I have no choice. So I gotta. Under duress. Is that the word? Yeah. Duress.

Man, I gotta admit. I am scared so shitless that I don't even know the meanin' of the word. Shitless. Like, so shitless that there has never been so much as a fleck of poo in my body. I don't even know what poo is. Do you? I don't. Sure, you lot wouldn't know anyway, 'cause I don't think nobles poo… it's not a thing you do… yeah. I've never SEEN one of you guys p - OW, STOP THAT, LIBBY!

Okay. Lost track. Big picture, big… so here's how it goes. We're, um, gonna get stuff, 'n then we'll leave. That witch is gonna guide us where we're goin'. I know, her hair is CRAZY - I saw a sword stickin' out of it, once! - but we don't have a choice. I dunno where to build a settlement. Do any of YOU? No? Then we go with the witch, 'cause she's scary and stuff, and she seems to know. Or something. I just hope she doesn't lead us right into 'er friggin' belly or some such, ya know what I mean?

Witches? Eat kids? We're all kids to her, I think. You see how old June is? Crazy.

We're leavin' on Friday. Gok's kickin' us out. That's the sum of it all. I'm, ah, done, and hungry, so could one of you get me a sandwich? I'm mayor, so you gotta."

Yeah. This didn't go as a planned. Should've just read off the stupid parchment and not tried to memorize my speech, it didn't work. C'mon, sandwich, somebody hop to it."

And they did. Harold fetched me a baloney sandwich, and Libby wasn't fast enough to stop him. So I guess, in a way, the speech was successful.


Dragomir the Mayor


  1. "I Dragomir, solemly swear...and not abuse my power of authori...HEY! CAN SOMEBODY GET ME SOME WATER? I've been out here for like and hour in the sun, and maybe a lil'sandwich wouldn't kill ya? GEEEEEEZ! Do any of you know how hard it is mayor and stuff?'s hard!"

    1. Sandwiches should just become a thing. In Dragomir. Politics and sandwiches. I'll try and make it happen.

  2. Now, the test of a TRUE Mayor is hurling the first sandwhich to the ground, declaring it inedible, and demanding a second sandwhich. If they bring it to you? That's respect right there. Somebody is getting a second term in office.