Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Day Two-Seventy-Seven: Returned to Life

After a long trek through the swamp - though thanks to June's… weirdness… it was an easy one - we're back in Goblinoster. Not happy to see this rain-soaked ass-fest again, 'cause I officially hate goblins now, but… there you go.

Dragomir's still unresponsive. I swear I've heard him whisper a few times, but other than that, his mind's on vacation. He didn't resist getting changed and taken on a jaunt through the swamp, though, so I didn't have to carry him back to Goblinoster. Thank the gods for that - he may look skinny, but he's carrying weight in odd places. A pregnant woman shouldn't have to lug her husband around.

Like I said, June's responsible for the easy trip. I don't even know how she's responsible, exactly - she just is. She had a way of… talking… to the swamp, that made it easy. Animals kept popping out of the mire to shepherd us across wet patches, and the trees and plants always seemed to be parted favourably for us. There were no tough paths.

And there shoulda been. Dragomir told me about his slog through the muck, almost a year ago. It sounded awful. Stained his calves with crusty brown for a month after he got back. June probably shoulda escorted him to the ruins like she did for me, but… nah… don't see her doing that. She's a kook, plain and simple - and I doubt she does anything unless she gets something in return.

At least her tarantula's cordial. It bows whenever it sees me. Much nicer than the last arachnid I came across. Makes great tea, too, and I'm not much of one for tea. Most folks might be grossed out by a spider preparing a drink, but, meh. My husband is grosser on his best days.

And these definitely aren't his best days.

It took us two hours of walking to get to the outskirts of Goblinoster, and June (somehow) turned her leather travelling bag into a huge, neon green umbrella to shelter us from the rain. Didn't take long for goblin guards to find us, and though they didn't put us under arrest they did 'escort' us to King Gok's tower.

Weren't so polite to me, the bastards. Acted real cordial to June, though… like they were afraid of her… spooky old kook.

Grylock greeted us, saying that King Gok was out on another hunt for Barrel… and, he insinuated, me. (Hope the perverted old assface drowns in the swamp.) The ambassador looked absolutely stunned when Dragomir shambled into the main hallway of the tower, though he covered it up with a few lewd jokes and a slap on Dragomir's backside.

No response. That put Grylock off his game, for sure, but noticing that June was with us seemed to answer some of his questions about Dragomir suddenly being in Goblinoster. Or at least he was convinced not to ask any questions, I don't know.

Nobody knew what to do with us, so we were escorted to my old quarters in the tower, along with the other nobles. Everybody was still there, still bored, still grim and hopeless -

- until Dragomir walked in. Then they exploded.

Edmund led the pack. He only gawked for a second before leaping at Dragomir, wrapping his spindly arms around my husband and bear-hugging Dragomir with all his strength. (Which ain't much. Bards are weak buggers, y'know.) He let loose a string of florid poetry that I barely understood, half because he was talking too fast and half because my mind was full of weird baby cravings.

Then came the rest of the nobles, Harold lost somewhere in the middle of them. They mobbed Dragomir and dragged him into the centre of the room, shouting his praise and slapping him on the back. I've never seen a bunch of nobles so happy over a commoner. Hell, the way some of 'em were talking, it's as though they think of Dragomir as one of their own, now.

So, yeah, I guess they are grateful that he saved their lives. Go figure.

It was a good five minutes before I managed to scream down the crowd, forcing them to notice that Dragomir was acting the stunned idiot. They gradually pulled away from him, allowing him to sway and gape unmolested in their midst. Then came the questions, and when June refused to provide good answers, yelling followed.

I'll skip over all that. In summary, June unleashed a bevy of creepy hidden animals from her hair that drove the nobles away. Amazing how much she can fit in her mop.

Once the hubbub had died down June disappeared into the hallways, saying she had things to do. She suggested Edmund and I stay with Dragomir and continue to coax him back to life, and that's what we've been doing ever since. Neither my weird board games, nor Edmund's songs, nor the praise of the small stream of nobles who keep flitting in and out of the room, seem to have an effect.

Ugh. Where the hell did you go, Dragomir? I'm not gonna be stuck with a brain dead husband for the rest of my life, am I? I'm about to have a fucking baby! I need your help!



  1. It's funny because Libby implies her husband wasn't always brain dead. GUFFAW.

    I slay myself.

    1. We all wish you would, King.

      Badum CHSSH


      Don't ever change.